Muslimus publicus parasiticus corpularis (genus)

The professional public Muslim (PPM).

Over the last eight years a high glucose (public funding) environment has lead to the mutation of some less resilient specimens of the Muslim community in the western world. This mutational phenotype is most well developed in Australia, but it also exists elsewhere.

We believe that this is the first ever attempt to describe the species.


Domain: Eukarayota, Kingdom: Anamalia, Phylum: Crantia, Class: Reptilia.


In a multicultural grant rich environment some less resilient Muslims turn to novel sources of sustenance. They apply for and depend on undefined government “celebrating diversity” handouts. They are solitary and fiercely territorial creatures; after staking a claim, the PPM marks out their territory with urine and pheromones located near the cloaca.

The PPM will often defend this revenue food source aggressively from other competitors. It will spend significant resources preening itself and cultivating its benefactor, frequently changing its plumage and skin colour to reflect the prevailing environment.The PPM will adapt its characteristic guttural bark to better reflect echoes of other noises in its vicinity. The PPM is unique in the animal kingdom as a species that will attempt to mate with its food source rather than one of its own kind.

At a recent public event the deputy Prime Minister Julia Gillard was the victim of such an incident. She was given the Flehmen response and then swamped by a gaggle of the usually solitary creatures who attempted to leave their business cards droppings in her vicinity, she was fortunate to escape with a mild rash. Gold it seems remains the most favored anti-pruritic for the itchy palm.


The PPM is a seasonal migratory creature confined to the inner suburban habitats of the capital cities. Mosques are generally free of PPM infestations except for rare public events where the limelight draws them out. They are more commonly seen at multicultural rallies, churches and government buildings. Once the tenacious PPM has chosen such a nesting site, they can be impossible to eradicate. Recently there was a particularly troublesome infestation in Western Australia that was thought to be destroyed during the federal election last year, only to re-emerge (with different plumage) in the last few weeks.

Although considered a pest by many, we cannot fail to be impressed with the resourcefulness and tenacity with which it clings to life, despite what could be seen as its perpetual debasement.


It is not known if the PPM mutation permits reproduction, but there is some evidence that PPM traits can be transmitted down the patrilineal line. The PPM territorial ferocity seems to prevent long term pair bonds from developing as does its tendency to cannibalism.

Hunting and Diet:

The PPM is an omnivore, it will frequently cannibalize the young or competitors to protect its food source. It has been known to survive on carrion in between patrons. The PPM phenotype can lay dormant for many years or even generations, only to emerge in the right nutritional conditions.

Eradication Techniques:

The PPM must not be approached by the novice or amateur. Whilst the PPM is attracted to the limelight (wavelength 460 nm), a different type of illumination has been used to stun it and force it out of its habitat. This broad spectrum light is often referred to as the “spotlight”.

Professional help to eradicate a deep seated PPM infestation is always available here at Austrolabe.


#1 Umm Yasmin on 03.17.08 at 10:26 pm

Brilliant!!! Got it in one.

#2 Abu Yusuf on 03.18.08 at 7:57 am

There have been some “PPMs” who have attacked the Prophet of Islam (SAWS) for money and just so they could continue to recive support from the Howard government.

I hope the Rudd government takes a different approach

#3 Sabrine E on 03.18.08 at 9:21 am


#4 Muhammad on 03.18.08 at 10:39 am,00.html

#5 T cell on 03.18.08 at 4:57 pm


You are only attacking these people because they are professionals and you are a taxi driver

#6 Baybers on 03.18.08 at 5:11 pm

I prefer to think of myself as (cough)… an independent transport contractor.

I have no objection to Muslim professionals, but these people are professional Muslims, there is a profound difference.

#7 Max on 03.18.08 at 5:16 pm

Sounds like sound grapes to me Baybers.

#8 Baybers on 03.18.08 at 7:16 pm

you’ve got me max,

your right I’ve always wanted to sell out my religious beliefs for a small amount of money, a cheap catered (but halal) meal and some brightly colored beads.

when I was growing up, my father said to me ‘just remember son, if you fail in life, then you could always resort to being a tax eating public parasite, there is honor in that.”

#9 Amal on 03.18.08 at 9:52 pm

Baybers, they get brightly colored beads? I want in, dammit.

#10 theManOfFewWords on 03.19.08 at 1:38 am

I ran for office once, I met many PPMs but there are also the SSMA or self-serving masjid administrators who sucked up the other politicians so much it was embarrassing to watch.

I liked this article, I will Islamify it. Keep them coming.

#11 Simon on 03.19.08 at 2:59 pm

This is an appalling article and may god guide the person who wrote it.

I’m presuming that by ‘munaficus”, you’re attempting to be witting and latin-ise the arabic word “munafiq”.

Do you realise that a munafiq and the munafiqeen (hypocrite and hypocrites, respectively) are a category of the non-believers\non-muslims?

Do you realise the potential rammifications for your soul that come with labelling large swaths of the muslim community as being non-muslim (i.e munafiqeen)?

Do you undestand the adab of issues such of this and that only people of knowledge who have qualification in islam (i.e the ulema) are to make such statements and the associated hadith from the prophet s.a.w that state that if a person labels another a non-muslim and is wrong, then they themselves are a non-muslim?

I would suggest seeking scholarly advise before making such outlandish comments, in future.

May Allah ta3ala guide you.

wassalamu alaikum

#12 Simon on 03.19.08 at 3:05 pm

at best, because the article was general, you’re only talking in ignorance as you’re not qualified to say who is and who isnt a munafiq. At worst, you’re skating on very thin ice.

#13 Umm Yasmin on 03.19.08 at 3:49 pm

Imam al-Ghazzali wrote scathing critiques of classes of Muslims of his time, including some types of philosophers – would he be simlarly doomed for the same?

#14 Abdul on 03.19.08 at 4:07 pm

He didn’t call anyone a munafiq. Read the article again.

He’s writing a tongue in cheek critique of a GROUP of people who just sit on committees, taking money and doing nothing for the Muslim community.

#15 Sara Tancredi on 03.19.08 at 4:09 pm

Gawd, Simon, take a Ritalin.

#16 Baybers on 03.19.08 at 4:21 pm


Asalam u aleikum,

You may well be right, and I might be be doing these people an immense disservice and condemning myself to oblivion…or I may not.

In the end Allah (SWT) will judge between us. You may consider this offensive, but I consider it a Fard al Ain.
My only regret is that I have waited this long to criticise people who have attacked our Prophet (PBUH) and our religion for money in newspapers and on TV as a direct consequence of taking money from the government purely for this purpose.

I am surprised that you say this group includes “large swathes of the Muslim community”, I do not believe it does.

But if you think that there are “large swathes of the community” who do this type of stuff, then I ask you, why do you chose to defend them over your Prophet (PBUH)?

You have chosen your side and I have chosen mine.

but I will take your counsel .

#17 DD on 03.19.08 at 4:23 pm

Simon are you al-CIA-da from Muslim Village?

#18 Baybers on 03.19.08 at 4:27 pm

“I would suggest seeking scholarly advise before making such outlandish comments, in future.”

I did, but did you?

#19 DD on 03.19.08 at 4:53 pm

This is a ridiculous discussion, Simon. You should apologise to everyone for wasting their time and spreading misinformation.

#20 DD on 03.19.08 at 4:59 pm

Why? Are you one of the people he is talking about??

#21 Eudaemonion on 03.19.08 at 5:30 pm

That was pointless.

#22 Sara Tancredi on 03.19.08 at 5:57 pm

Simon, I think there’s something wrong with you.

First, the article wasn’t about what constitutes ‘nifaq’ and which kinds of people are “munafaqeen”.

Second, it’s “to apologise” not “to apology”.

I miss picking on Antish. Simon’s a poor substitute.

#23 T cell on 03.19.08 at 8:44 pm

without wishing to support Baybers in any way, can I say that he is completely right and simon, you are a complete idiot.

When a Muslim attacks the Prophet for money then he is at best a munafiq. If you cannot understand this Simon, then I am concerned about your Aqidah. If you cannot make that small logical step then I pity you, Your mind has become a plaything for Shaytan

What sort of person are you Simon , to defend such a person?

#24 DD on 03.19.08 at 10:41 pm

Austrolabeans, HT’s finger puppet on Muslim Village (“Othman”) is now joining this muppet Simon in attacking the blog and the authors for lacking Islamic knowledge!

It’s strange because for all the time I’ve been reading the blog I’ve never known you guys to comment on fiqh issues or offer religious opinions.

So how about some posts on HT then?

#25 Watch on 03.20.08 at 11:09 am

I’ve been reading MV and this, and I am amazed that these guys can attack one of the best websites going around.

you got to wonder, are they on the take from the Government

Simon if thats your name , lets see your financial disclosure

#26 Amal on 03.20.08 at 12:18 pm

While I can’t speak for Amir, Baybers and Mohammed, I was a bit disappointed to see one Muslim Villager claim our posts reek of arrogance. I’d hoped they reeked more of an intellectual snobbishness (which, granted, may encompass arrogance). Oh well.

As for a lack of Islamic knowledge, last I checked no one on this website claimed to have more knowledge than they actually possessed nor did anyone venture beyond that in discussion. Interestingly on that MV thread, it seems that to suggest someone can discuss politics and society without direct reference to Islam makes you inherently secular.

#27 T cell on 03.20.08 at 3:14 pm

oh no, being attacked by MV, is it nurse ratched or is it one of the inmates?

#28 T cell on 03.21.08 at 10:26 am


I think that the whole discussion on MV is emblematic of the problem.

They say that the worst sin of Austrolabe has been intellectual snobbery. Put another way the complainant is saying that Austrolabe is arrogant because you fail to cater for their needs an mental defectives. It would be better if Austrolabe reflected them better by producing works with sub standard western suburbs english, poorly though out concepts and predigested anti-semitism, which are their staple.

The greatest outrage therefore is your excellence, something that they cannot appreciate, but also something they find alien and troubling.

Austrolabe is also guilty of the secondary sin of humour. This is even more alien to the wide eyed monomaniacs of HT.

#29 Shadower on 03.21.08 at 11:09 am

Nice one. Sadly we see far too much of this and the government tends to continuously encourage it.

Amal if it makes you guys happy I’ll say it. Your posts reek of intellectual snobbishness.

On a more serious note, I find Austrolabe refreshing, and why I stopped going on the forums.

#30 DD on 03.21.08 at 7:24 pm

HT have thrown down the gauntlet…;p=659399

#31 Amal on 03.21.08 at 8:51 pm

Aww shucks. Thanks, guys! :P

And DD, the link doesn’t work.

#32 DD on 03.21.08 at 9:01 pm

After Bastiat said that HT economics were socialist, Othman (HT spokesman on MV) wrote:

For those who can’t see beyond the modern Western paradigm re the political spectrum, such a conclusion is not surprising. It does not say much though.

How about pinpointing articles or clauses and critiquing them from the Islamic point of view, i.e., on the basis of Islamic evidence?

Like so: “Article x says such and such, but the classical scholars said so and so, and/or the Messenger said such and such, and/or Allah says such and such…”

Get your intellectual friends from Austrolabe to help. Though, dare I say, they might not be able to provide more than ’social and political’ commentary sparingly sprinkled with inaccuracies and misrepresentation clothed in a cloak of sarcasm. At least we’ll all get a laugh.

#33 Sara Tancredi on 03.21.08 at 9:38 pm

Lol! You guys should get Othman to write for you, or at the very least become editor in chief of Austrolabe to ensure that everything written is done so strictly on the basis of Islamic evidence. To have social and political commentary otherwise is Bad and Wrong!

Anyways, he seems an upbeat and positive fellow mashallah.

#34 Blah Blah on 03.21.08 at 9:45 pm

Nobody has the time to debate with HT members. Assuming the Australian variety are the same as those here in the UK then these guys can talk under water and will just wear you down by repetition.

#35 T cell on 03.21.08 at 9:57 pm

DD, I tried to hang in there for as long as I could reading that typical HT piffle but I lost consciousness half way through the second “paradigm”

Ht essays are like Fidel CAstro’s speeches; they should come with a warning not to operate machinery for a hour afterwards.

anyway HT wallahs like argumentation like Kate Moss likes cocaine. the mistake is to give it to them.

#36 Amal on 03.21.08 at 10:03 pm

Goodness… Not sure why HTers always seem so mightily annoyed all the time, but in any case, I think Othman is missing the point. Anyway, that’s enough amusement for me for one evening…

#37 Blah Blah on 03.21.08 at 10:10 pm

When the HT caliphate, they’ll put a stop to our uppity womenfolk like Sara Tancredi above posting their sarcastic opinions on blogs.

#38 Sara Tancredi on 03.21.08 at 10:20 pm

I have rights, you know.

#39 DD on 03.21.08 at 10:31 pm

The HT constitution is at

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